A month ago I was thinking of how many years until I could "retire" from home schooling, turn my efforts towards gardening, animal care, the farm, the little Eden I've been creatiing here. I've been tired, so very tired in a way that feels as if it has reached in and chilled even my soul. Self protection, justification, nurturing my needs has been more my inner focus, though I love, care for, and serve my family and church, I feel reserved, even leery of anything outside of my 1800 sq. ft. cabin and the 12.8 acres surrounding me. I can see growing old ahead of me...and I can feel the body slowing down. I see the gray hairs that are prophesying to me my future.
Three weeks ago I was going to go the city with a friend; a spur of the moment plan to take a painting class and have a bite to eat, a rare treat for us. As I looked forward to it that day, a large kink sprung forward......a reminder that I had planned to attend a meeting at the local YWAM base. My desire has always been to support them and to be there when their doors are opened for public meetings. I know the gatherings aren't always large and I can't bear not to be among those who attend. I love them all so much. But gosh, tonight it was really a burden to cancel with my friend and keep the "internal" commitment to our YWAM friends. And to top it all off, the speaker was a woman telling of her family's adoption story. Completely un-relatable topic to me.... you see I'm tired, I'm nearly old, and I can see I will only be there to politely fill a seat. :(
Since that meeting I have not been able to speak of the feelings in my heart. These weeks since then, I am going through an inside out- spiritual blender of sorts. I am so out of my mind......my old, tired, self protective self that I hardly know what has hit me. It's a blindsiding, a brainwashing,..... a rescue. It's a time where I find myself begging the Lord to let me be sure and live so that I can walk in the ways I'm seeing in my mind to go. "I see! I see! Now please give me the time, grace, and ability to act on what I SEE." Yet it is hard for me to speak about it...that's why I have suddenly decided to become a blogger, knowing that typing is much easier than journal writing and I'm much more likely to log in and communicate. I want to remember this time.
Once a "prophet" told me that "the heart within me would grow" and it bears witness with me now that this is that time, and it is growing for this special thing that I've seen in my mind, that I feel in my heart. But it is too precious to speak about just yet. It feels like if I speak of it, someone might take it from me.