The word of God is like that....leaping from the crumpled page straight to heart and straight to soul; alive, miraculous, igniting a moment, just waiting to be believed on, but true whether we do, or not.
And when I have watered the thicket where I pray with tears and the breeze has lifted and carried the sobs away, He asks me, "What did you come out here to see?" I don't have to pause for the answer
because I know I am there to hear Him, to see Him. Is He really there, does He really hear me and answer back to me? And I know a believer of these many years should know the answer to this........really does know, but wants to be reminded and to be affirmed. Especially when the stakes seem high.
And when it's been days and I don't understand the waiting or I can't comprehend the plan He has, my confidence wanes in the "I heards" and "I think God said" and I wonder, "Am I just a pretender after all?" Is that voice that sounds like calm waters to me, really His? Can I count on what I think I hear or is it all a dream created by a dreamer who so desperately wants a God that is always there inside my head with me?
I walk a bit further around the circular path thinking these thoughts, praying these prayers, asking those questions, wiping my tears; angry, sad, longing. I want to know for sure (again) ----today because there are big questions on my mind.
Setting sun peaks through the pine trees all orange like the few over ripe-peaches on the trees here, too high to pluck, and I walk around the trail again, my prayers entering that runner's stride.....The sadness lifts up and away and my mind focusing on thoughts that seem to come from somewhere deep within...that stride when your thoughts seem to become His thoughts too. To faraway lands His power goes out, and to people down the street, and I thank Him for today and for the breeze that quenches the August heat, if but a little bit. Now lifting away worry, His peace banishing the tension....it melts as if it were only butter in the pan. How is this even possible for a worrisome girl of 45 years?.....so used to the ruts her mind walks in.
And then it began to happen. Around the south curve I prayed for a lion; a beast of courage and strength. I prayed that lion-hearted courage would come to us and to our household head. I prayed for the days I saw coming, that a lion's heart of courage would emerge in our home and in our circumstance and in this unique time for "us". I prayed it for the one of us who leads our household...this husband of mine, this daddy of theirs. Passing through the west curve, the sun hanging lower still and into the north curve I breezed, until just entering the east curve I heard a loud "ROAR"! Hands flailing, startled from someone jumping from the tangled hedge of saw briar and honeysuckle vine. I was startled, he was laughing at such a perfectly frightened reaction. I pointed to him with "prophet's" palm and asked, "What are you?" But I already knew. He roared again and held up menacing "paws"--- and I called out, "What are you?" And his response answered those myriad of questions that had swelled to bursting, yet did nothing more than float away in His presence. Is God inside my head with me, listening, dialoguing, leading, guiding? He answers me with one response from beside the honeysuckle vine; "A Lion!"
---------On our journey towards adoption we've anxiously waited to understand God's plan and course of action to take. Reviewing agencies, researching grants and fundraising, searching through orphan files for those that might look like Drains, some days feeling like we've not taken even one step closer to the children we "see" in our minds eye. But, God is leading and I, letting go to fall into His plans whatever and where ever they take us.
|Us getting finger printed for adoption through the state, but later feel lead towards international adoption.|