Here's what started it . It was Ann again....preaching her gentle, wooing, stirring words. Ann said:
And if we want more Yes to God actions in our life — we need more Yes to God contemplations in our life. Yes to the blessings and yes to the ugly and yes to the beautiful and yes to the love and to His will and to the saving sovereignty of God in this moment who can’t stop serenading with His grace. In our dark, just to keep whispering our breathy, child-like yes.
In the Old Testament, the word “to will” is abah. “To will – to intend, to choose” — to decide your yes — abah. To make your will agree with God’s Will – that is how we say yes to God.
( Ann Voskamp)
And here is my tiny, angry reply to Ann's words. Words written because my "yes" lately is to His call to adoption and oh....... what a roller coaster.........
I'm wondering why is "yes" like this? How is a simple, childlike "yes" the cause of so much of my pain? No, I may never publish this post because I am in pain and who wants to hear about such things?
Abah – “to will” – it literally means “to breathe after” or “to long for.” And this is what I've said to myself......my heart is longing...my heart is aching and longing......my emotions get spent up with this longing.....frayed by this wanting of God's will (this "Yes" to God) and it hurts me to wait for it and wonder about what I think I've seen.
Remembering long ago, how I learned not to question my Dad....He didn't want to see my disappointment, anger, or resentment in reactions to some of his will for me. It was really not allowed. And to the end of his days, it remained that way in my heart. But what of my Father of heaven? He sees whether I choose for Him to or not to....whether I blot out my tears before they can fall, whether I try to suppress the confusion and angst......He sees me......He hears my questions and feels my anger. What must He think of me?......How will He respond to me? And I fear his silence most, and I fear the emptiness inside my head swarmed with questions that won't rest. Empty of answers, but full with wondering.
Confused...angry....sad in a bigger sadness than has ever been......hurt in new ways.......longing w/out fulfilling....... angry
O.k., yeah.....angry......So? Has this ever been hidden away from His sight? No, and my anger has slowly shifted from Him..... to me. I know He is all good.....I know this...I believe this. I know that the person causing the pain has been me all along and for this I am sorrowful in pools of sadness.
But, I asked him to burn me. I asked Him to burn all that hasn't been built up and formed by His hands in me...... away.....I am angry at it all and I want it all consumed by the hottest God-fire and put to an end. The "me" that isn't in and of Him hurts me, confuses me, leads me to quicksand where I struggle and fight w/ tired limbs and tired heart to pull free of it. It would disable me completely, choke me, drown me, suspend me for eternity. But, He wouldn't have it.
And I heard Him, I did. I heard him again in the pine thicket when I was going round and round in that worn out circular pilgrimage to God's lap. And He said, "What did you come out to see?" And again He said, "What did you come out to see?" And I said that I came to see Him look into my eyes, and to square my shoulders with His hands, and to stand me on my feet and send me out into my unknown with angels surrounding me and encouraging me." I said that I wanted Him to burn away all the pretending and creating that I do to make my "imaginary friend God"......those creations made by someone who didn't have faith to hear the real voice of God when the situations are more challenging. The one who feared that if she waited for Him, there would be the chill of silence and nothing more.
This is where my angry post ended. But God did not leave me there at all . ♥
So what I have found? Say it to Him when you are angry, say it to Him if you are thrilled, say it to Him if you are sad. What is outside of His interest in you? Nothing.
He is able to handle all of our afflictions, all questions, all accusations, all willing to share the plethora of feelings and questions that we have. And He is full of comfort for those times of angst and doubt.
What else? God needs no help being God and Father. (don't laugh at me too loudly--I might hear you) I don't have to imagine what He might think or say....He is not imaginary or created by our ideas of Him..He is WHO HE IS...He does what He does. (smile!) ..if He has something to say, He is able to let me know what it is. Yes, I have experienced this many times over. (reference: John 10:27 My sheep hear my voice, and I know them, and they follow me.) ♥♥
|Imagining opening the gate to more God paths today. ♥|