Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Beyond the Ruts..........

Outside of the ruts is grace. Outside of the ruts is a call to faith, a call to laying down one's life and picking up the Cross of Christ. Outside of the those ruts I'm finding new life, new hope, new joy. And why this? Why now? But, I'm asking for new clarity, for when one isn't walking within the ruts, one must be lead; and for the Christian, lead of the Spirit.

I hear HIS voice throughout the day in little whispers, little signs. They come together as one voice to me, and I am glad to hear.

Friday, March 23, 2012

I kept running..........

Taken from "A Place at the Table", by Chris Seay: "Are you tired? Frustrated by failures or meaningless tasks? You might think it is because you are doing too much, but what if it is because you are busy doing all the wrong things?"

Is this guy answering my heart's not yet fully formed, nor expressed questions?

Jesus says, "Come to me, all who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Put my yoke upon your shoulders--it might appear heavy at first, but it is perfectly fitted to your curves. Learn from me, for I am gentle and humble of heart. When you are yoked to me, your weary souls will find rest. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light."

The yoke of Jesus is the work he has for us to do.....

I have been so tired...so much that I even inwardly I feel paralyzed much of the time. I feel weary and protective of myself and this state that I am in. The other day I went with my two sons to the walking park. I was very tired when I began to walk. My son came up beside me and suggested we run together. I explained that I am physically tired today, there should be no running. I hadn't even had breakfast that morning. In true form, he suggested we run again and since he really rarely wants to walk or run with me, I agreed, but said I could only go a little ways. You see I am not a runner to begin with. I don't really like it except in short bursts and to run even one mile these days is the best I could do, if that. We started running-- and I kept going. At first my son made light of me. 'You're going so slow, Mom! Do you call that running?" I laughed and I kept running. When my son finally needed to quit,I kept running! The Lord showed me a clear picture of the strength that might be there, waiting for me to run.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Crying for a month.....

It hit me as I was reading Katie Davis's book "Kisses From Katie" that I have been crying like this for a month......but it is also reminiscent of 2 Christmases ago, when I received a World Vision catalog about buying farm animals for the people of Africa. When I looked at the pretty catalog, I would well up with a cry that was uniquely it's own and that cry has come back in unexpected waves ever since the "meeting". The meeting telling about the adoption story of the dear family from N. Carolina. I feel so grateful to be entangled by my God and I have a great expectation about Him and what he is doing.

I keep grabbing at tiny puzzle pieces that meander through my conscience w/ a wispy, pink flag waving in the wind of my mind...pink from the fading of time, though once red and bright. I snatch the flagged pieces and put them with the others, the ones that are building a picture, or map of things past and things to come in this scheme that my Father is about for me and us. But, I wonder, how does a scheme that I am becoming aware of also involve those with me; the family? But this I know is His business entirely. I rest my heart and hands and wait for Him.....wait and wonder with butterflies in my stomach today.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Off we went on this ordinary day..........

to an ordinary church in the middle of our ordinary town. We sat in an ordinary pew and felt nothing but ordinary.
Until. Until the extraordinary presence of God invaded that very ordinary place. God brought Africa, the orphans, the poverty, the reality, very close. Too close to ignore. Too close to deny. Too close to walk away. Too close to stay wrapped up in my ordinary life.

I read those words a few hours ago, sitting at the park on the water, listening to "Onward Christian Soldiers" being played in the air on the hour by the church bells of 1st Christian Church. Blindsided again! This book came in the mail today from Amazon...it was while I was ordering a book by Katie Davis about the work she's doing in Uganda. This book was on the bottom line, the suggestions based on this interest. I clicked a few of them sticking them into my "cart" without knowing if I'd buy any, but wanted to think about them. For no reason that I can remember now, I added "A Place at the Table- 40 Days of Solidarity With the Poor". The other books that I had put in, I weeded out due to cost and bought this book and "Kisses From Katie". Now, I feel compelled to look at the first book and it is speaking to me in ways that caused me to suddenly gasp, to cry, to feel breathless for this "voice" coming right into my Chevy Van with me. Right into my leisurely trip to the park to walk and allow the boys to fish. I knew I would ask. I knew I would pray. I knew my heart was stirred and wound and I wanted and still want more of what the Lord knows about me, my future, His dynamic plans. He is astounding! And he is astounding me. And this book is not about Africa.....I was reading the forward! And the forward was being used as a living thing! The living and active word of God. He is astounding me. He is rescuing me from loving ordinary, which I do. The dear lady who wrote the forward also said this: But one thing that is certain: the something more we're made to experience with God can only be found outside of the ruts.

I want to venture outside of my ruts...too late, actually,.... I'm out.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

A Month Ago

A month ago I was thinking of how many years until I could "retire" from home schooling, turn my efforts towards gardening, animal care, the farm, the little Eden I've been creatiing here.  I've been tired, so very tired in a way that feels as if it has reached in and chilled even my soul.  Self protection, justification, nurturing my needs has been more my inner focus, though I love, care for, and serve my family and church, I feel reserved, even leery of anything outside of my 1800 sq. ft. cabin and the 12.8 acres surrounding me.  I can see growing old ahead of me...and I can feel the body slowing down. I see the gray hairs that are prophesying to me my future. 

Three weeks ago I was going to go the city with a friend; a spur of the moment plan to take a painting class and have a bite to eat, a rare treat for us.  As I looked forward to it that day, a large kink sprung forward......a reminder that I had planned to attend a meeting at the local YWAM base.  My desire has always been to support them and to be there when their doors are opened for public meetings.  I know the gatherings aren't always large and I can't bear not to be among those who attend.  I love them all so much.  But gosh, tonight it was really a burden to cancel with my friend and keep the "internal" commitment to our YWAM friends.  And to top it all off, the speaker was a woman telling of her family's adoption story.  Completely un-relatable topic to me.... you see I'm tired, I'm nearly old, and I can see I will only be there to politely fill a seat.  :(  

Since that meeting I have not been able to speak of the feelings in my heart. These weeks since then, I am going through an inside out- spiritual blender of sorts.  I am so out of my mind......my old, tired, self protective self that I hardly know what has hit me. It's a blindsiding, a brainwashing,..... a rescue.  It's a time where I find myself begging the Lord to let me be sure and live so that I can walk in the ways I'm seeing in my mind to go.  "I see! I see! Now please give me the time, grace, and ability to act on what I SEE."  Yet it is hard for me to speak about it...that's why I have suddenly decided to become a blogger, knowing that typing is much easier than journal writing and I'm much more likely to log in and communicate.  I want to remember this time.

Once a "prophet" told me that "the heart within me would grow" and it bears witness with me now that this is that time, and it is growing for this special thing that I've seen in my mind, that I feel in my heart.  But it is too precious to speak about just yet. It feels like if I speak of it, someone might take it from me.